I think it’s been a decade since I started this blog, there is something mesmerizing writing about my thoughts, experiences, and feelings. As a dismissive avoidant, I can recognize I’ve improved with myself and my relationships in my circles. It’s weird I know, stranger read my blog and can either relate, entertain themselves, or use any shit I type against me.

I love storytelling and reading personal stories, it’s always comforting to read relatable stuff when I’m actually going through the same thing. It makes me feel less alone and validated.

Back When I Was A Teenager

I was miserable and full of anger due to the abuses I endured for years from the people who were supposed to love and protect me. I figured that instead of repeating the abuse, I would write every fucked up thing I could think of on paper. This helped me a lot to calm me down until one day my privacy was violated, and I was humiliated. My diaries got confiscated and were shown to my grandparents (how low of a piece of shit you had to be). They were disappointed in my only outlet.

College Days And My Blog

When I started college I met someone who used to be my best friend until he got obsessed with me and pretty much abused me psychologically and verbally for years. He would stalk my social media and blog non-stop, and twist everything I wrote; making it all about himself. I got depressed and wouldn’t write anything for a year or so.

Dying Emotionally While Caregiving

I lost my old tiny apartment and was told a family member was deteriorating, so I was offered to go back to my abuser to take care of him while I figured out the next steps for my life. It was the perfect trap, said my friend. So I gave in because I had no choice, yet the trauma of “feeling responsible for things or people” lingered stronger each day. It was an exhausting job and on top of that, I was taunted, controlled, and picked on by the abusive narcissist constantly. Until one day a fight broke loose, and instantly I got kicked out. It took me a year to find a quiet place for myself after jumping from fraudulent apartments and the Airbnb bullshit ramping up the living cost.

Decomposition

I lost 2 important people in 5 months. The first loved one was someone close to me, I found their lifeless body in the same street of my home. I was destroyed and blamed myself. My new home became a constant reminder of them, and I started to contemplate running away from my place. The second never answered my phone calls for a year after I was kicked out. I accepted as it was, he didn’t want me anymore. A few months ago he reached out of the blue, and after visiting him in the hospital with gifts he blamed me for “abandoning them” (he was coached by my abuser, it would’ve been a different story if he said “me”). The fucked up part? I was tortured with a photo of his decaying legs sent by my abuser. Because of all of these tactics, I distanced myself for the sake of my mental health. I couldn’t say goodbye to any of them…

Falling In Love

I didn’t feel butterflies in my stomach or was on cloud 9, instead, I felt an impulse, a push, or a vibration from my body. It was like I wanted to run forward and be embraced or embrace this person. A wave of selflessness. Though I’m not sure what this man felt on his end, I am still aware this was just an individual experience, where my free will did these acts of respect and kindness. I also know I’m not owed anything from him either.

We met in one of those remote jobs I used to work a few years ago. We have never seen each other face-to-face. The first time I started to notice him was when he spoke. I was intrigued by his European accent and irresistible voice. He didn’t say much about himself, except I could perceive he was shy and reserved; thus making him mysterious (bonus points). Later on, I could see a bit of his personality by the way he wrote and interacted with the members: organized, confident, vocal, etc. Then a few altercations happened and I could see how he defended himself, had the patience to deal with some bullshits, and had amazing leadership in his department. I was WET AND WILD.

I can bet we could argue, and I would let him win without taking out my final presentation with 50 slides full of receipts.

When I was documenting some things for the team, I had to save up some profile photos for a presentation. I saw his and I was simply swept away. Besides his amazing haircut, round face, thick neck, clear eyes, and beautiful nose (favorite part btw), his large pupils reminded me of Dali. This just felt close to home.

He was just existing and vibing, and on the other side of the planet, I was getting electrocuted with different feelings. Trying to understand this irrational phase for the first time.

One day he got treated like shit during one of those altercations, and he became unresponsive. Our work got undervalued, and our time got wasted due to a lack of leadership from the one in charge of the company. No one argued back (call out the inconsistency) against the superior, and people continued with their job. I was livid, so I decided to start a war and went back and forth with the superior. I just didn’t care, it was unacceptable the treatment. I would’ve done the same for anyone, but not to the extent I did in the end. In my final days, I gathered my evidence against the superior and called him out. I also told him he made a huge mistake by mistreating him.

He always made sure my work was respected and followed through, thus offering help whenever I got frustrated with the tasks, and I made sure he was valued and respected after his absence.

But it was too late to repair the damage, he became unresponsive, and it seemed to have moved on. I couldn’t see myself working with someone else, we were already synchronized and worked well together. No one could replace him and his abilities, so I left. I was disappointed and sad our communication ended suddenly. Btw, all my communications stayed professional. I never once said anything about my developed feelings, and I think it is best to stay like this. I would rather be rejected than make him uncomfortable, I was not willing to risk our professional bond by that time.

Is true. I fell in love with a total stranger, and that’s something that I’ll have to embrace and cherish. He made me push forward and achieve things in the middle of a depression I was experimenting.

I went through so much shit in the last 2 years, couldn’t grieve properly, and drowned myself with work to forget the trauma and not feel the pain. So, as you can see, I was holding myself in a thin thread and refusing to let go of certain pieces of me. Most of these stages needed an ending, and because I let it accumulate over time, it came crashing down simultaneously; prompting me to shut down emotionally and disappear for a while from my circles. And because I took refuge in several workplaces that I thought were my safe place, they ended up becoming war zones.

I would like to think that one day I can achieve what I want on this fucked up economy and feel safe and happy for once for a long period.

Letting go will be a slow, painful process that may open new doors for me soon. I saw this video of a girl named Sophie talking on a bridge with a red telephone about her life. While smiling, she was explaining how miserable she felt for 2 years studying for a degree in computer science. One day she rediscovers herself as a rope artist working for a circus and embraced her body-image trauma. She felt amazing, dropped out of college in Manchester, and moved to London to pursue her circus degree.