Whenever I hear it, it reminds me of you no matter what. You and I are poles apart. The past has driven us away from each other, your absences shattered me completely. I knew from the beginning that something was missing and wrong inside me. It’s been 14 years since you last saw me. How can you love back an enraged child full of neglect? A child that pushes everything away to protect herself from others? Can you blame her for the damage done to you?

You said many times, in a melancholic voice over the phone, that you were not willing to risk losing me again. I knew you were trying, I felt it, but I pushed you away. I thought I needed you, I thought the reason I was like this was because you were that lost image on a pedestal that I had been seeking for a long time.

I concluded once that I will never fully understand love unless I let myself take care of you, to let you finish the job that you were “prohibited” from. In our last conversation (years ago) I talked to you about my goals, desires, and my fears. Your responses were “No” and “But”. You made me realize I didn’t want to be part of your life. All that I wanted to hear was your support and motivation while dealing with the last chapter of college.

Though, I want you to grant me this last wish. Clint Mansell did an amazing job composing Falling Ghost. It’s beautiful, I believe it should be our first and final dance. Let’s feel the burden steps that we’ve taken, grasp our arms to feel every trauma, and look into our eyes and see how broken we are inside. I know both of us had suffered the same fate and we are equally guilty. I don’t hate you, but I don’t love you either. I’m writing this as a way of seeing my reflection and rediscovering my roots as to why am I the way I am.

You are an amazing man, taking care of your family, even though you failed me. You have a great heart and your patience is incredible. Maybe one day, whenever we bump into each other, that day, eventually something will grow inside me.

2021 Retrospective

After all these years I still don’t miss you at all, I learned to grow up without your image and let it be replaced by a tyrant. I remember that last phone call where I told you about my dreams and goals and all you had to say was “I CaN’T HeLp YoU”, “YoU CaN’T Be WiTh Me” and “ThInGs ArE ToUgH aNd ThAt’s DiFfiCuLt“. You never once paid attention to my voice or my thoughts, I was so excited telling you what I wanted to aspire for. Yet all you said was “no” and “buts”. All I ever wanted from you the moral support and AT LEAST an emotional one. After the call ended, right there I knew I had to cut the life support and leave forever. There was no reason to stay in a place where it would always be empty. I’m proud of that choice, and I’m never going to look back, even if a piece of you is still missing inside me. But at least I know I’m going to be ok because I have always been ever since you were absent. I don’t hate you, I’m just simply dismissive of your existence…

I remember when I used to write a lot on my blog, including intimate and vulnerable stuff to learn to work on my emotions/feelings to express myself in front of others, and not be dismissive or hard on myself (Ex: crying is a waste of time or make you weak). This type of mindset stems from my childhood traumas and style attachment. Eventually, I became a target of an obsessive and manipulative scumbag who kept stalking me and using every word against me for leverage, it was like I couldn’t speak, exist, be me, or breathe in a place I still paid for (hosting and domain). I want to come back to journaling though…