Whenever I hear it, it reminds of you no matter what. You and I are poles apart. The past driven us away of each other, your absences shattered me completed. I knew from the beginning that something was missing and wrong inside me. It’s been 14 years since you last saw me. How can you love back an enraged child full of neglect? A child that pushes everything away in order to protect herself from others? Can you blame her for the damage done to you?
You said it many times, in an melancholic voice over the phone, that you were not willing to risk of loosing me again. I knew you were trying, I felt it but I pushed you away. I thought I needed you, I thought the reason I was like this was because you were that lost image on a pedestal that I was seeking for a long time.
I concluded once that I will never fully understand love unless I let myself been taken care of you, to let you finish the job that you were “prohibited” from. In our last conversation (years ago) I talked you about my goals, my desires and fears. Your responses were “No” and “But”. You made me realized I didn’t want to be part of your life. All what I wanted to hear was your support and motivations, while dealing with the last chapter of college.
Though, I want you to grant me this last wish. Clint Mansell made an amazing job composing Falling Ghost. It’s beautiful, I believe it should be our first and final dance. Let’s feel the burden steps that we’ve taken, grasp our arms to feel every trauma and look into our eyes and see how broken we are inside. I know both of us had suffered the same fate and we are equally guilty. I don’t hate you but I don’t love you either. I’m writing this as a way of seeing my reflection, rediscovering my roots as to why am I the way I am.
You are an amazing man, taking care of your family, even though you failed me. You have a great heart and your patience is incredible. Maybe one day, whenever we bump into each other, that day, eventually something will grow inside me.